My train departure~

So per a conversation Paul and I had, we agreed I would journal whenever I am having a "moment".  It would be SO much easier if one could just see into my mind.  I was thinking earlier today of how great it would be if we had a machine that would shrink and grow things.  It would make it so much easier for storage.  Fill a box and shrink it.  Storage could be so well organized and take up so much less space. :o)  ( I know, this really is just a random thought.)
My heart is heavy today.  I am feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas.  It is hard to be present.  I know how I want to live, I am just not sure how to get there.  I know how I want to love, but who I was/am isn't the same person that I desire to be.  I want to think slowly, process my thoughts or be methodical in my actions.  I am quixotic, spontaneous, irrational.  So it makes it hard for me mentally to get where I want to be. 

I just want to live so simply but the world around us is only moving faster, thinking faster.  It is like being on a fast train headed in one direction.  It's going so fast that it is hard to enjoy the scenery outside the window.  It can be hard to really build on or have relationships as the train is constantly stopping, people are getting  onto other fast trains going in different directions and new people are getting on my train.  And so we start over with building new relationships.

My fear is that my train is going to get to my destination and I am going to feel a sense of desperation that I will be able to do nothing about.  Most people are on a train heading some where.  There are few that find their way off the train.  No, not onto another train either.  They jump.  They literally jump off their train.  They want to experience life in a completely different way than that which is being offered.  All I can think to do is jump.  I know it's going to be painful, but it is what my heart cries out for.  Get off the fucking train.

The experience of being on the train can be cozy and warm.  The stewardess/stewards can create an atmosphere that some passengers can only dream of and as expected they do.  Dream, that is.  They stick to the menu, to the schedule.  Knowing internally, with a burning desire/passion that I need to remove myself from this train is stressful.  Like jumping off into the middle of nowhere, to find your own way.  To really slow things down.  I know I am truly not alone.

When one is on their own, these types of choices don't have such a ripple affect; but when there is a spouse and children on has to be cautious of what comes across as rash judgements or decisions.  It's that inner turmoil.  Am I going to open that door and step out and let go of the railing?  I'm not afraid of the cuts and bruises that might find their way to my knees and elbows; but more concerned about any wounds my family might endure.

My heart tells me it is the right thing to do.  All I can hear is "Get off the train, you know it's not right for you!"