I don't want to be a glancer, I want to be a non-creepy gazer! :o)

This past year has been an interesting one for me.

I am at a completely new place in my life that I have never been before.

I have been feeling unsettled and restless for almost 3 years now, and as each year has gone by the feeling only grows stronger in a very non-comforting way.

I kept thinking to myself, "What am I doing? Seriously, what I am doing?"
Life can't only be what is in front of me. And why am I not happy? Why do I keep having these waves of overwhelmed sadness. This can't be all there is.

On the evening before my 35th birthday I had gone to bed and decided to read.
The book I opened up and started reading from beginning to end was Ecclesiastes.
It was like it was the exact moment in my life that I was to read exactly that.
So many things were cleared up for me on so many levels.
None of it (“busy”ness of life) really mattered, just the relationships.

I can't count how many times I have sat back and looked at my life and thought how wonderful it is, yet I always ended up feeling discontent.
What the hell, is the only thing I can think to any of that.
How can I be discontent? I was actually offended that someone would suggest that I was. I, was happy. I, was content! I just couldn't figure out where my peace was.
And yet again here came the restlessness.

I have thought about people and how they get caught up in life and activities and their homes. But really when things stop, what do they have? Does any of it really matter? Really?
My opinion is no. It doesn't.

I had started writing this blog after I had read the book of Ecclesiastes.
What it cleared up for me, or should I say stirred up in me, is that I was brought up in a society of the American Dream.
I knew I was going to grow up, get married, have children, own a home, paint it yellow w/ white trim and have a white picket fence around it.
The only thing I don't have is the white fence.
What kind of dream is that?
Why does any of it matter?
We feel accomplished when we get married. Why? Because we have found the one that we are to spend the rest of our lives with, to grow old with. We feel accomplished when we have children, cause that is what a lot of people do after they get married...Have children. It completes the marital package, the picture, right?
And you want to have a home if you didn't get one before you had your children.
Because when you live in a rental, you think to yourself, man..I wish this was my house...this is what I would do with the garden and this is what color I would paint my house and I could decorate my children's rooms a certain way and have their rooms set up a certain way and when I get my home I can have the garden that I want and the dog that I want and it will be my home.
I have gotten all of that.
I have gotten all of that and much more.
I have gotten to stay home with my children, which seems to be a rare thing now days.
Most families are working to pay for their home and their cars and their activities.
But none of it truly matters.
I believe that if you can't be at home wherever you are, then you won't ever find that home that you are looking for.

The energy that we spend wanting a home, to purchasing the home, to working jobs to pay for the home, to buy the "things" that we want in our home, to work hard to pay for those things in our home, to do the yard work that requires having a home and maintaining the outside as well as the inside, it is so time consuming and so many become so consumed with it.
I have spent so much time trying to get rid of things in my life and the things in my house, decluttering, and yet the clutter is constantly there. So much so, that people become consumed by the thought that they need to have their homes a certain way or yards a certain way or they are too embarrassed to have guests in what they call their "home".
The place that they look so forward to spending time in.
It actually stresses them out, more than not.

If I am spending so much time cleaning my home and worrying about what needs to be done next in my home, how am I really connecting with others. Where am I finding the time to spend with other people, building relationships, let alone spending time with my children if we are constantly trying to keep up with the cleaning. What kind of life is that? If you are spending more time cleaning than with your family, I encourage you to step back and take a look at why.

We spend so much money on our homes, clothes or vehicles that when we truly see someone in need, we immediately respond in a...well, if I give it to them it is going to cause me hardship.
I don't want to live my life like that.
I want to live with so little, that I have so much more to give.
I have found so much more life in giving than in having.
Who can I encourage, when I spend more time dusting and decluttering and exchanging out seasonal decorations. Seriously? It feels so selfish.
Have you ever said to someone, I can’t come spend time with you because I have to go work on my house or clean my house? Or some paraphrase or variation of that comment.
Do we really have so much stuff that it overwhelms us to the point that not cleaning stresses us out? I want to be available to people.
The less I have, the more I am able to give.
That is where I want to be.
That is my goal for my life.
That is my dream.
I don't want to keep walking through my life organizing, I want to have more time to look others in the eyes and let them know that someone sees them.
People need to know that others see them.
We have gotten so busy and caught up in our own lives that we don't make true eye contact with others anymore.
They are more like glances.
When is the last time that you genuinely looked at someone that you didn't know and looked them in the eyes and smiled at them, sending nothing but loving thoughts and energy in their direction or gave some of your precious time to them.
People need us to look at them, not glance.
They need us to listen to them, not nod and grin (while we are actually thinking about other things).

“Be here now, no other place to be”~ Mason Jennings

9 days...

So this morning I am sitting here, pondering what the next week, next 3 years are going to look like. I have gotten to know someone this past year, quite well, and am so thankful for that opportunity. I have shared time and moments with this person and their family that will never be forgotten. They are leaving in just 9 days.


I have been wondering this morning, why I am so emotional. We've talked about keeping in touch or even my family going over to visit, so I am not sure why I feel like I may not see her again. It's almost like they are transitioning out of this life into another, well, I guess it is like that.

I am supposed to be leaving on a retreat with some other friends this weekend, but everything in me wants to stay here and absorb every moment of everyday that I would have an opportunity to be in their presence.
They are real, genuine, honest, funny, outside the box, wise...just a joy to spend time with.

I am supposed to be getting a webcam and have decided that I need to get it in the next few days, so that I can make sure that it is up and running and I know what I am doing with it before they go...lol
I thank God for the opportunity to have had true fellowship with this family.

I hope they know how much they are loved and I will miss hearing and seeing our children giggle together. I am sure this will prompt a flight (we know how I love planes, NOT) to Germany.

An adoptive momma~

So, here we have these kittens that haven't been fed for 24 hrs because we were hoping that Camille would appear.
Long story short, we looked up how to care for week old kittens.  Paul purchased formula and bottles and I showed Stella how to help encourage their bowel moments. (that right there...could make you want to not take on this task)
So Stella has been sleeping in the same room as all 3 kittens and waking up at all hours of the night to make sure that they are getting fed and going potty before and after each feeding.  Paul and I are amazed at her commitment to these kittens.  She has begun noticing which ones eat more and which eat less.  Thinking that we are going to be finding homes, when they are old enough, she has named them A, B and C.  I think we may have to fix that and name them all miracle.
She was so excited today, that their eyes are starting to open, just for brief moments.
Stella decided that she wanted to mark all three bottles with the A, B and C, so that each kitten has their own bottle and that it will help her keep better track of how much each one is eating.  I encouraged her to start keeping a journal today, so that she can keep track of the feedings as well as milestones or changes that she has noticed.
She told me that the other night, she had to stay awake and pet them until they all had gone back to sleep, otherwise they wouldn't have gone back to sleep they would have just cried and been restless in the box/bed.  She also has added a water bottle that she warms up frequently and covers with a towel, to help keep them warm. :o)
She has agreed that it is very time consuming, hard work but she seems to really enjoy the responsibity of it all.

Camille~

Our cat Camille gave birth a little over a week ago.  Her first set of kittens had all died and she never really did respond very well to them.  It is almost like she knew something was wrong.
After this second set of kittens her behavior has been completely different.  She has been a very loving momma.  The nursing has been going well and we have watched her snuggle with them and care for them. 
About 3 days ago she went missing.  No one let her out of the house, in fact we were trying to make sure she stayed in, to care for the kittens.  We don't know where she went.  I could have sworn that I heard 2 meows when walking through the front room the day after she had gone missing.  We have searched all over the house for her and can't find her anywhere, which means she had to of gotten out.  One of our concerns was that maybe she didn't deliver one of the last placenta and that it was still inside of her and caused an infection and she died.  They say to watch to make sure that each one is delivered, but she delivered her last kitten as we were sleeping and we never saw it, so we don't know.  I am hoping, hoping, hoping to not find her somewhere laying dead around our home, hidden in a corner somewhere.

Our Garden~

OK, so I have decided that I went a little overzealous on the gardening.
I believe that I had read somewhere that you should start out with just a few items and then add to that each year.  Did I do that?  Um..no. *cringe*
I went for it, like most things I get myself into.
Of all we planted, we harvested some tomato, cucumber, mustard greens, radish, peas, lettuce, a green pepper (the size of a jalapeno, lol).
So far the corn, pumpkin, onions, sweet potato, pear tomato, cabbage, broccoli, carrots, okra and jalapeno peppers haven't worked out. 
Too much too soon.
I am not sure I was around enough to water it, but it seemed to do fine with the watering that I did do.  Oh..lol, and I planted rhubarb or at least I thought I had.  Um, it was Swiss Chard that was called Red Rhubarb.  Clearly I am not a direction reader..lol.

I also find that I am having an issue with growing food and then putting it in my mouth.
It's like I can visually see where it came from and that is nauseating or maybe it is like when you make a really fancy meal and don't have the stomach to eat it when you finally sit at the table to finally enjoy it with your guests.

Seriously...

Since when did our lives evolve around our homes?


What I mean is, when did we become so consumed with taking care of a "home"?

We spend so much time wanting to be in it, that we feel guilty when we don't spend enough time at it. We constantly feel like we need to be doing work in, on and around it.

For what? To keep it up. So we are trying to keep up. With what?

I am starting to think that having a home, isn't what it is cracked up to be.

If we have an apartment someone else takes care of the yard, the outside of the home and does repairs for free.

We think that having a home, we can do the yard however we want, we can paint the rooms however we want. So is the drive to have a home about control. That we need to have it the way "we" want it?

On the other hand, we are told that it is a financial investment.

We pay as much in rent, potentially, that we will for a home.

Yet, we put money into the yard, upgrades, fixing broken appliances, etc.

The idea is to hold onto it long enough that you pay it off or at least are able to make money from it when it is sold.

But if we have to work to pay for it, I don't know that it is worth it.

We can't really enjoy it if we aren't in it.

We are thinking about moving closer to the town that we spend so much time in.

We initially moved out here because we didn't think we could afford anything in the town where we were living and spending all of our time.

For the past 8 years, we having been living in a home, that we have hardly had time to take care of, let alone spent time in as we are hardly ever here.

We would probably spend more time in a smaller home, in the town we live in, than in this home that we are never at.

We like our property but have issues with letting it go.

What are we afraid of?

Losing money? Really, if we sell the home, we could lose money and if we just hold onto it just a little bit longer or just stay here until our kids are grown, then we might make some money off of it.

Why not sell now and spend that time with our children and figure out the financial aspect of it later. Go about it in another way. I don't want to just stay here for the financial stability.

Yet, the thought of selling is scary. What if we make the wrong choice? We will kick ourselves. We won't be able to get it back. It is about a fear of losing something but in the end it is all lost anyways. So what is the issue? I need to ponder this a little bit more.

I am thinking that we need to sell the home and either find a smaller place for less or just rent. It only makes sense.

What we choose...

So, I have cut back on some things in my life and am excited about the new paths that my family will be taking.
I am decluttering my life and have felt some serious peace following each decision.

Yesterday I had a great conversation, regarding High School, with my eldest son.
I expressed my thoughts on the subject in a non judgemental, non persuasive manner.  I want him to make that decision for himself, if that is what he is wanting to do.  I can understand that he thinks that he is, or might be, missing something because of the fact that most of his friends attend some type of school.  My stand was that learning doesn't only happen at school and that anything that he wants to know about is at his finger tips.  That he doesn't have to go somewhere to have someone tell him what is important for him to know, that he gets to choose what those things are and make decisions that are best for him and his desires. 
I talked with him about my knitting.  I explained that I didn't go to a class or school type location to learn to knit, that I taught myself because I wanted to know.  That one day, I just wanted to know and so I started doing research and practicing, with trial and error, to get what I wanted.  I explained to him that I can now make hats and other things but that no particular person told me how to make hats and that I wasn't told to make them in a specific way, using a specific pattern and that I wasn't tested on my knitting skills to see if I could really knit or not.  No one gave my knitting an evaluation score and I haven't felt discouraged by a teacher giving me a C- on a hat that I might have felt like deserved an A.  My hats are what they are and I am pleased with them.
I shared that, though a professional knitter may find my skills "not up to their par", I am enjoying what I am doing.  And, my outcome is still a hat.  I may not do stitches the way that they believe that I should do them, but the stitches that I do make work for me.  I still have the outcome of a hat and I am pleased with how that hat looks and the hat is functional.  I could see that there might be an issue if it didn't even resemble a hat or had a bunch of holes all over it but it is still my hat and if I am pleased with it, then that is what matters.  I also talked with him about the fact that no one gave me the pattern for the hat.  I didn't go to a school to learn about the hat pattern.  I made up my own.  It is my pattern.  No one else's hat looks like mine, unless by some chance they happen to do the same stitches that I did.
My hat is an original.
I enjoy knitting, I find peace and joy in it.  If I was forced to knit growing up, I don't know that I would have enjoyed it.  I might have had great stitches, but never knit because I was told I had to know how to do it.  And generally we are taught "stuff" in school as kids and are without understanding how it could really benefit our lives from having that skill or knowledge.
Until it became important enough for me to know or desire to know, I wasn't passionate about it. 
Just like his interest in Ninja's.  Where that will lead, I do not know but he is enjoying what he is finding out.