I don't want to be a glancer, I want to be a non-creepy gazer! :o)

This past year has been an interesting one for me.

I am at a completely new place in my life that I have never been before.

I have been feeling unsettled and restless for almost 3 years now, and as each year has gone by the feeling only grows stronger in a very non-comforting way.

I kept thinking to myself, "What am I doing? Seriously, what I am doing?"
Life can't only be what is in front of me. And why am I not happy? Why do I keep having these waves of overwhelmed sadness. This can't be all there is.

On the evening before my 35th birthday I had gone to bed and decided to read.
The book I opened up and started reading from beginning to end was Ecclesiastes.
It was like it was the exact moment in my life that I was to read exactly that.
So many things were cleared up for me on so many levels.
None of it (“busy”ness of life) really mattered, just the relationships.

I can't count how many times I have sat back and looked at my life and thought how wonderful it is, yet I always ended up feeling discontent.
What the hell, is the only thing I can think to any of that.
How can I be discontent? I was actually offended that someone would suggest that I was. I, was happy. I, was content! I just couldn't figure out where my peace was.
And yet again here came the restlessness.

I have thought about people and how they get caught up in life and activities and their homes. But really when things stop, what do they have? Does any of it really matter? Really?
My opinion is no. It doesn't.

I had started writing this blog after I had read the book of Ecclesiastes.
What it cleared up for me, or should I say stirred up in me, is that I was brought up in a society of the American Dream.
I knew I was going to grow up, get married, have children, own a home, paint it yellow w/ white trim and have a white picket fence around it.
The only thing I don't have is the white fence.
What kind of dream is that?
Why does any of it matter?
We feel accomplished when we get married. Why? Because we have found the one that we are to spend the rest of our lives with, to grow old with. We feel accomplished when we have children, cause that is what a lot of people do after they get married...Have children. It completes the marital package, the picture, right?
And you want to have a home if you didn't get one before you had your children.
Because when you live in a rental, you think to yourself, man..I wish this was my house...this is what I would do with the garden and this is what color I would paint my house and I could decorate my children's rooms a certain way and have their rooms set up a certain way and when I get my home I can have the garden that I want and the dog that I want and it will be my home.
I have gotten all of that.
I have gotten all of that and much more.
I have gotten to stay home with my children, which seems to be a rare thing now days.
Most families are working to pay for their home and their cars and their activities.
But none of it truly matters.
I believe that if you can't be at home wherever you are, then you won't ever find that home that you are looking for.

The energy that we spend wanting a home, to purchasing the home, to working jobs to pay for the home, to buy the "things" that we want in our home, to work hard to pay for those things in our home, to do the yard work that requires having a home and maintaining the outside as well as the inside, it is so time consuming and so many become so consumed with it.
I have spent so much time trying to get rid of things in my life and the things in my house, decluttering, and yet the clutter is constantly there. So much so, that people become consumed by the thought that they need to have their homes a certain way or yards a certain way or they are too embarrassed to have guests in what they call their "home".
The place that they look so forward to spending time in.
It actually stresses them out, more than not.

If I am spending so much time cleaning my home and worrying about what needs to be done next in my home, how am I really connecting with others. Where am I finding the time to spend with other people, building relationships, let alone spending time with my children if we are constantly trying to keep up with the cleaning. What kind of life is that? If you are spending more time cleaning than with your family, I encourage you to step back and take a look at why.

We spend so much money on our homes, clothes or vehicles that when we truly see someone in need, we immediately respond in a...well, if I give it to them it is going to cause me hardship.
I don't want to live my life like that.
I want to live with so little, that I have so much more to give.
I have found so much more life in giving than in having.
Who can I encourage, when I spend more time dusting and decluttering and exchanging out seasonal decorations. Seriously? It feels so selfish.
Have you ever said to someone, I can’t come spend time with you because I have to go work on my house or clean my house? Or some paraphrase or variation of that comment.
Do we really have so much stuff that it overwhelms us to the point that not cleaning stresses us out? I want to be available to people.
The less I have, the more I am able to give.
That is where I want to be.
That is my goal for my life.
That is my dream.
I don't want to keep walking through my life organizing, I want to have more time to look others in the eyes and let them know that someone sees them.
People need to know that others see them.
We have gotten so busy and caught up in our own lives that we don't make true eye contact with others anymore.
They are more like glances.
When is the last time that you genuinely looked at someone that you didn't know and looked them in the eyes and smiled at them, sending nothing but loving thoughts and energy in their direction or gave some of your precious time to them.
People need us to look at them, not glance.
They need us to listen to them, not nod and grin (while we are actually thinking about other things).

“Be here now, no other place to be”~ Mason Jennings