So per a conversation Paul and I had, we agreed I would journal whenever I am having a "moment". It would be SO much easier if one could just see into my mind. I was thinking earlier today of how great it would be if we had a machine that would shrink and grow things. It would make it so much easier for storage. Fill a box and shrink it. Storage could be so well organized and take up so much less space. :o) ( I know, this really is just a random thought.)
My heart is heavy today. I am feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas. It is hard to be present. I know how I want to live, I am just not sure how to get there. I know how I want to love, but who I was/am isn't the same person that I desire to be. I want to think slowly, process my thoughts or be methodical in my actions. I am quixotic, spontaneous, irrational. So it makes it hard for me mentally to get where I want to be.
I just want to live so simply but the world around us is only moving faster, thinking faster. It is like being on a fast train headed in one direction. It's going so fast that it is hard to enjoy the scenery outside the window. It can be hard to really build on or have relationships as the train is constantly stopping, people are getting onto other fast trains going in different directions and new people are getting on my train. And so we start over with building new relationships.
My fear is that my train is going to get to my destination and I am going to feel a sense of desperation that I will be able to do nothing about. Most people are on a train heading some where. There are few that find their way off the train. No, not onto another train either. They jump. They literally jump off their train. They want to experience life in a completely different way than that which is being offered. All I can think to do is jump. I know it's going to be painful, but it is what my heart cries out for. Get off the fucking train.
The experience of being on the train can be cozy and warm. The stewardess/stewards can create an atmosphere that some passengers can only dream of and as expected they do. Dream, that is. They stick to the menu, to the schedule. Knowing internally, with a burning desire/passion that I need to remove myself from this train is stressful. Like jumping off into the middle of nowhere, to find your own way. To really slow things down. I know I am truly not alone.
When one is on their own, these types of choices don't have such a ripple affect; but when there is a spouse and children on has to be cautious of what comes across as rash judgements or decisions. It's that inner turmoil. Am I going to open that door and step out and let go of the railing? I'm not afraid of the cuts and bruises that might find their way to my knees and elbows; but more concerned about any wounds my family might endure.
My heart tells me it is the right thing to do. All I can hear is "Get off the train, you know it's not right for you!"
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Transition~
So the next step is to make a plan to move forward with the dreams and desires of our life. Getting our house ready to sell would be the first step.
To do this, we have a bit of stuff to do.
I suppose, one step at a time will be the best decision.
Between reading about Mother Teresa and Shane Claiborne, I am finding more and more clarity on decisions that need to be made. I know what my heart longs for.
"Jesus wants me to tell you again...how much is the love He has for each one of you--beyond all what you can imagine....Not only He loves you, even more--He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy...." ~Mother Teresa
"Prayer is not so much about convincing God to do what we want God to do as it is about convincing ourselves to do what God wants us to do." ~Becoming the Answer to Our Prayers
What can I do with my life that would Glorify God. We have such amazing examples of how Jesus responded to those around him. Why do we not have these at the forefront of our minds, to help guide us through our daily decision making. It is going to become my focus for the time being. To really know what he said. To really have it be part of me and flow from my heart. I am not looking to be Jesus, I am wanting to strive to love those around me as he did with the people that surrounded him throughout his life.
Our desire is to give more and to do that we are feeling that we really need to humble ourselves and our possessions. A radical way to bring up our children, some might think.
My thoughts are that it can be harder to learn to walk this life than it is to turn around and add things that we think we might be missing. Making the decisions to change in these ways that do not line up with the status quo but they are walls that I am willing to walk through to hopefully gain momentum for my children in their lives, knowing they don't have to start from here but from where we will be when we part ways and start their life adventures.
Our desire is to move from this home and find a home that is less expensive and eventually move into an RV. Our thoughts are, the less we have financially going out, the more we have to give. I would love to find somewhere that people share home, bills, etc. I know most don't understand wanting to live this way. I see so many opportunities and possibilities in living in common housing. Most people enjoy their space and I completely understand that. I was amazed to find that there are communities with parks, gardens, etc. And each family has their own home. No, I'm not talking about the compounds of Utah either...lol
To do this, we have a bit of stuff to do.
I suppose, one step at a time will be the best decision.
Between reading about Mother Teresa and Shane Claiborne, I am finding more and more clarity on decisions that need to be made. I know what my heart longs for.
"Jesus wants me to tell you again...how much is the love He has for each one of you--beyond all what you can imagine....Not only He loves you, even more--He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy...." ~Mother Teresa
"Prayer is not so much about convincing God to do what we want God to do as it is about convincing ourselves to do what God wants us to do." ~Becoming the Answer to Our Prayers
What can I do with my life that would Glorify God. We have such amazing examples of how Jesus responded to those around him. Why do we not have these at the forefront of our minds, to help guide us through our daily decision making. It is going to become my focus for the time being. To really know what he said. To really have it be part of me and flow from my heart. I am not looking to be Jesus, I am wanting to strive to love those around me as he did with the people that surrounded him throughout his life.
Our desire is to give more and to do that we are feeling that we really need to humble ourselves and our possessions. A radical way to bring up our children, some might think.
My thoughts are that it can be harder to learn to walk this life than it is to turn around and add things that we think we might be missing. Making the decisions to change in these ways that do not line up with the status quo but they are walls that I am willing to walk through to hopefully gain momentum for my children in their lives, knowing they don't have to start from here but from where we will be when we part ways and start their life adventures.
Our desire is to move from this home and find a home that is less expensive and eventually move into an RV. Our thoughts are, the less we have financially going out, the more we have to give. I would love to find somewhere that people share home, bills, etc. I know most don't understand wanting to live this way. I see so many opportunities and possibilities in living in common housing. Most people enjoy their space and I completely understand that. I was amazed to find that there are communities with parks, gardens, etc. And each family has their own home. No, I'm not talking about the compounds of Utah either...lol
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Where we are at~
This Week~ We recently celebrated J's 9th birthday. He is so excited to be out of the 8's. Per him. *grin* We had a wonderful day on his birthday. Went to dinner at Mayan with family and then went to go see the most recent Narnia movie. His sister and cousin, set him up a party in one of our rooms. They had a blacklight, homemade confetti (that they were throwing up in the air, to look like snow) and dance music!
We are getting the house ready for his family/friends bday party this Saturday. He is really excited. It will be really nice to see P's family from down South. I don't think that we have seen them since Grandma E's burial. I miss them.
Updates~ J has been making up quite a few of his own jokes. Duncan made one up the other day. "Why didn't the cheese want to go to school? He didn't like being graded." S is just about done reading her very first book, "Dork Diaries". She is so excited! I think her love of reading is on it's way. I never enjoyed reading as a child. Now, I can't get enough, but I didn't find that love until I was about 26 yo. The 3 books I remember reading in their entirety, "I'll teach my dog 100 words", "Sweet Valley High" (from a series) and "I Married Adventure". It was the last book that really got me going. Now I can't put them down. So many books to read, so little time. :o) I am currently reading St. Francis of Assissi, Mother Teresa, The Bible and a couple others.
I have been trying to spend more time going through more in the house to get rid of. I am not sure if our plan is to sell or to try and rent out the house. I guess my thought is that if we can keep the house, that would be the best! I don't know, I guess we will see.
The Holidays~ Our plan is to go and help out at a local church that is serving dinners to families in need. I am really excited about doing this as a family. I have fond memories, that had an impact, from spending Thanksgiving feeding those in need with my mom. My heart is being so drawn to this ministry.
My Heart~ I am so thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for my husbands job and for the opportunity to be able to be at home with my kids. I am REALLY looking forward to my mothers bday on Friday. My brother, sister and I are planning on going out to dinner with mom. It has been a LONG time, since it was just the three of us and her having some 3 on 1 time. Should be good!
We are getting the house ready for his family/friends bday party this Saturday. He is really excited. It will be really nice to see P's family from down South. I don't think that we have seen them since Grandma E's burial. I miss them.
Updates~ J has been making up quite a few of his own jokes. Duncan made one up the other day. "Why didn't the cheese want to go to school? He didn't like being graded." S is just about done reading her very first book, "Dork Diaries". She is so excited! I think her love of reading is on it's way. I never enjoyed reading as a child. Now, I can't get enough, but I didn't find that love until I was about 26 yo. The 3 books I remember reading in their entirety, "I'll teach my dog 100 words", "Sweet Valley High" (from a series) and "I Married Adventure". It was the last book that really got me going. Now I can't put them down. So many books to read, so little time. :o) I am currently reading St. Francis of Assissi, Mother Teresa, The Bible and a couple others.
I have been trying to spend more time going through more in the house to get rid of. I am not sure if our plan is to sell or to try and rent out the house. I guess my thought is that if we can keep the house, that would be the best! I don't know, I guess we will see.
The Holidays~ Our plan is to go and help out at a local church that is serving dinners to families in need. I am really excited about doing this as a family. I have fond memories, that had an impact, from spending Thanksgiving feeding those in need with my mom. My heart is being so drawn to this ministry.
My Heart~ I am so thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for my husbands job and for the opportunity to be able to be at home with my kids. I am REALLY looking forward to my mothers bday on Friday. My brother, sister and I are planning on going out to dinner with mom. It has been a LONG time, since it was just the three of us and her having some 3 on 1 time. Should be good!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Yummy Almond Poppyseed Muffins~
Makes about 12 muffins
1/4 cup poppy seeds
1 1/2 c plain yogurt
1 c sugar
1/2 t salt
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 c oil
2 c rice flour
2 eggs
2 t almond extract
slivered almonds (optional)
Mix the seeds, yogurt, sugar, salt and soda. Then add the oil, flour, eggs and extract. Mix until combined. Fill muffin pan 2/3 full, sprinkle slivered almonds over the tops (optional).
Bake for 30 minutes at 350'. Turn out onto a cooling rack to cool.
1/4 cup poppy seeds
1 1/2 c plain yogurt
1 c sugar
1/2 t salt
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 c oil
2 c rice flour
2 eggs
2 t almond extract
slivered almonds (optional)
Mix the seeds, yogurt, sugar, salt and soda. Then add the oil, flour, eggs and extract. Mix until combined. Fill muffin pan 2/3 full, sprinkle slivered almonds over the tops (optional).
Bake for 30 minutes at 350'. Turn out onto a cooling rack to cool.
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