What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?

I have been thinking these past few weeks about an emptiness that I feel.


I have been digging into the bible, spending quiet time with God and wondering what it is that I feel like I am missing. I am currently reading a book called, "The Sacred Romance" by John Eldridge and some other man. It has been helpful and I am only about 4 chapters in, so I have some anticipation of this book helping me come closer to the answer that I am looking for but am thinking that I may be putting a little bit too much pressure on a book, written by man, to help me find this answer. Though I do, personally, believe that finding others that can relate to that is helpful.



An acquaintance wrote recently, "It is a shame to me that children in our culture live in such a future-based mindset. That Happiness is a goal, rather than a way of life."

It got me thinking about my happiness, about my families happiness.

I was just thinking to myself today, where is my happiness. If happiness = joy, then where am I finding my joy? Yes, the most common answer coming out of the mouths of Christians is that we are to find our joy in the Lord. I get that. I find joy in having a relationship with him. But just as one would have joy in their relationship with their spouse, that isn't the only joy that one is capable of feeling or experiencing.

So I was thinking about what I do. What do I do? This has been the question that I have been asking myself for months. It is what I keep writing about in my journal, mostly on the days that I am feeling that heavy heartedness. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?

And...

I believe that it is the question that I truly need to ask myself.

I, at this very moment, have realized that it isn't something that I need to figure out but something that I need to do.

I was looking at it all wrong, from the wrong perspective.

Not what am I supposed to be doing (cause I don't know) but what am I supposed to be doing (what do I find joy in doing)!

What is it that I find joy in doing?

That is what I am supposed to be doing!

I see God in everything around me, every day.

What I am supposed to be doing, what is calling my heart, is that I need to be doing what I enjoy doing and that it will bring a fountain of joy. A fountain that will flow naturally. That will flow in a genuine, unforced way out of me.

If I do what brings me joy then I believe that it is what I am feeling is missing.

It is the missing puzzle piece.

I can do whatever it is that I want to do.

What is it in me, that has caused me to feel like there was a wall keeping me from this?

Free flowing love, focusing on the things that I find joy in.

Inviting my children to join in with me in my joys and seeing God in the greatness that surrounds every aspect of it.

God I hope this feeling lasts. If I am wrong, if my realization is wrong, I will be the first to admit it.

I recently shared a dream with a friend. I had a very strong feeling about the interpretation that I felt I had gotten from it. My understanding. But I am realizing now, that is something that I am seeing incorrectly. My friend had a differing interpretation. And last night at our bible study, one of the ladies commented that we think we are supposed to get on the freeway and that God is actually trying to redirect us, and is saying, "No child. You may think that is the way and it may feel right, but this is actually the way." In my dream I kept thinking that I was supposed to get on the freeway and kept trying to get onto the on ramp, trying so hard. I just kept missing it. Over and over I tried. I just felt like it is where I was supposed to be. I really feel like with the word that was given last night, something just resonated in me. Saying...Your friend was right. You want to believe that it was the right path but darling, I will keep guiding you and keep by your side, and will be here. Yes, I will be right here until the day you see, it isn't the way. Follow me, sit back and just follow me. It's not the path you think you know. Let me lead you. My husband commented that the path that I was trying to get on was a wide one. That the path that my vehicle kept going in was a very narrow one. I kept seeing the narrow one as a dead end.

Chew that up and spit that back out.

I know I feel like I just did.

So here I am. God is good. It is good. He even said it himself. He called it good.
So my husband is home and I did not want to lose my train of thought but I also feel like I didn't give him the welcome home greeting that is truly in my heart. So, I am out of here.

The Move~

We have officially moved into our new home with our friends.  It is really nice being back in town, close to everything and not having to drive a half hour just to get to town and another half hour to get home.  Don't get me wrong, the family time and conversation was great it was just time consuming.

This is our second week here and we are still trying to figure out our schedules. 
We are an unschooling family that goes with the flow and basically create our own hours.
We have moved in with our amazing friend and his 3 awesome kids.  They do public school, private school and run different hours than we do.  This move has also created a longer drive for my husband, to work daily.  We are still trying to figure out the sleep schedule on that one.

Our 4 cats (3 indoor, 1 outdoor) have transitioned well with their 1 (indoor/outdoor) cat.

We are currently spending the weekends preparing our house for either sale or rental.  We aren't quite sure what our plan will be at this point but it sure is nice to feel at home here.  I wasn't sure how it was going to look and I don't know that I would have been able to anticipate any of it.  I like to get pictures or ideas in my head of the basics of how things are going to flow.  With this one thing, I just couldn't.  I am not sure why.  Probably because there truly is no way that I can describe the flow currently, that there is no way I could have fathomed it prior. *big grin*  Definitely comfortable here, just out of my comfort zone of trying to envision and process prior to an act.

I have found that I have more time on my hands to do the things that I like to do, read, take walks, bake...  I love to bake and I feel more free to do it here.  I feel like I have so much less that I need to do or worry about.  Maybe it is because I have less stuff that I feel like I need to declutter or organize or just plain deal with.

We have our basic necessities.  Computer, TV, Kitchen Supplies, Bathroom Supplies and Our Clothes.  The kids brought some special things along but really not much.  It all currently fits in the Master bedroom and closet.

During the day we mostly have the house to ourselves and during the evenings and some afternoons (when school is out) the kids spend time with their friends.  This, spending time with friends that they adore and now live with, has brought them a lot of joy!

They are looking forward to the day, hopefully only a month longer, that they are home on the weekends and are able to spend the full weekends with their friends!

On Sunday as we drove down the hill into the town that I, mostly, grew up in...
I felt this sense of joy.  I felt so happy.  Happy to be back home.  Happy to be back in town.  Just happy.