What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?

I have been thinking these past few weeks about an emptiness that I feel.


I have been digging into the bible, spending quiet time with God and wondering what it is that I feel like I am missing. I am currently reading a book called, "The Sacred Romance" by John Eldridge and some other man. It has been helpful and I am only about 4 chapters in, so I have some anticipation of this book helping me come closer to the answer that I am looking for but am thinking that I may be putting a little bit too much pressure on a book, written by man, to help me find this answer. Though I do, personally, believe that finding others that can relate to that is helpful.



An acquaintance wrote recently, "It is a shame to me that children in our culture live in such a future-based mindset. That Happiness is a goal, rather than a way of life."

It got me thinking about my happiness, about my families happiness.

I was just thinking to myself today, where is my happiness. If happiness = joy, then where am I finding my joy? Yes, the most common answer coming out of the mouths of Christians is that we are to find our joy in the Lord. I get that. I find joy in having a relationship with him. But just as one would have joy in their relationship with their spouse, that isn't the only joy that one is capable of feeling or experiencing.

So I was thinking about what I do. What do I do? This has been the question that I have been asking myself for months. It is what I keep writing about in my journal, mostly on the days that I am feeling that heavy heartedness. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?

And...

I believe that it is the question that I truly need to ask myself.

I, at this very moment, have realized that it isn't something that I need to figure out but something that I need to do.

I was looking at it all wrong, from the wrong perspective.

Not what am I supposed to be doing (cause I don't know) but what am I supposed to be doing (what do I find joy in doing)!

What is it that I find joy in doing?

That is what I am supposed to be doing!

I see God in everything around me, every day.

What I am supposed to be doing, what is calling my heart, is that I need to be doing what I enjoy doing and that it will bring a fountain of joy. A fountain that will flow naturally. That will flow in a genuine, unforced way out of me.

If I do what brings me joy then I believe that it is what I am feeling is missing.

It is the missing puzzle piece.

I can do whatever it is that I want to do.

What is it in me, that has caused me to feel like there was a wall keeping me from this?

Free flowing love, focusing on the things that I find joy in.

Inviting my children to join in with me in my joys and seeing God in the greatness that surrounds every aspect of it.

God I hope this feeling lasts. If I am wrong, if my realization is wrong, I will be the first to admit it.

I recently shared a dream with a friend. I had a very strong feeling about the interpretation that I felt I had gotten from it. My understanding. But I am realizing now, that is something that I am seeing incorrectly. My friend had a differing interpretation. And last night at our bible study, one of the ladies commented that we think we are supposed to get on the freeway and that God is actually trying to redirect us, and is saying, "No child. You may think that is the way and it may feel right, but this is actually the way." In my dream I kept thinking that I was supposed to get on the freeway and kept trying to get onto the on ramp, trying so hard. I just kept missing it. Over and over I tried. I just felt like it is where I was supposed to be. I really feel like with the word that was given last night, something just resonated in me. Saying...Your friend was right. You want to believe that it was the right path but darling, I will keep guiding you and keep by your side, and will be here. Yes, I will be right here until the day you see, it isn't the way. Follow me, sit back and just follow me. It's not the path you think you know. Let me lead you. My husband commented that the path that I was trying to get on was a wide one. That the path that my vehicle kept going in was a very narrow one. I kept seeing the narrow one as a dead end.

Chew that up and spit that back out.

I know I feel like I just did.

So here I am. God is good. It is good. He even said it himself. He called it good.
So my husband is home and I did not want to lose my train of thought but I also feel like I didn't give him the welcome home greeting that is truly in my heart. So, I am out of here.