Years ago, this was a list of things that I wanted for my children. Today, I am not so sure they are all still desired for myself to "teach".
Respect and responsibility
Consequences in life
To make good choices
To be selfless
To take care of their bodies
To love themselves and know self-worth
To feel deserving of a great life and loving spouse
Love the people around them
What to look for in a life partner
To know about God
Know not to judge people
Learn how to walk away when needed and run toward when desired
To take life for all it is
To take circumstances with a grain of salt
To strive for the best they can be in everything they do
To know that we love them no matter what they choose in life.
more to come I am sure, I made quite a few lists...
Monday, May 2, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Two facebook or not two facebook, that is the question~
So I am sitting here tonight thinking about facebook.
I am thinking about the fact that it is supposed to be somewhere for family and friends to keep in touch.
It has been great meeting up with people I haven't seen for quite a few years and it has been nice meeting new friends through similar interests. It has been nice to be able to keep up with distant family members with our fast paced life in today's society.
Here's the thing though...
It is taboo to unfriend people, it is taboo to deny people. How can you tell people no that you don't want to be their friend? And the hilarious thing is, it isn't even about being their friend. But it is taken so personal when someone is denied as a friend or unfriended.
And it can feel so cruel.
Everything in me wants to allow anyone who wants to be my friend on facebook that "friend" status.
But really? What is up with the guilt trip?
Why so much pressure? And anger behind all of it?
There are certain parts of me that I don't feel like explaining to people that knew me prior to where I am now. I don't want to guard my thoughts either though. I want to surround myself with those who are accepting of me with where I am at. I want to be surrounded by people that if they don't agree, it passes under their radar. But why do I have such an issue with it. And what I mean is this...If I grow tired of reading someones posts that I really feel it eating at me, I will choose to unfriend them. It is like a trigger finger. How can I want one thing and not give back the same thing, just because someone isn't in the mindset that I am in. Why does it stir up so much anger?
I don't want to read about people putting down there children, I don't want to read over religious comments that only sounds like they're trying to convince themselves of what they say. It physically makes me sick.
I find it easier to remove what I see than to get wound up about it.
I suppose if I don't want to go in a certain direction that I don't surround myself with it.
I don't want to talk down to my children and act as if I am the POWER over them. I want to have a healthy relationship with them. To me, this means not reading posts on a daily basis about how people are going to show their children who is boss and all of their friends are chiming in and telling the parents how to "punish" the said child. I makes me sick.
So I choose not to look at it.
On the other hand, I am not interested in over zealous spewing of religious verbiage.
Really? Why?
I just don't get it. It may not be for me to get but I am concerned with associating myself with it. Not Christianity. I'll claim that.
The the religious bullshit that I want to distance myself from. I don't think it attracts people to Christ, so I would rather be away from it. Posting about Gay marriage? Really? Does that draw people to Christ? Really? Sin is sin. I sin, I am a sinner. Why would I want to put out there that I am willing to judge, when I am understanding that it isn't my job. To judge, that is. Sin is sin.
Yet, I feel like I am judging by not surrounding myself with this on facebook.
If you have a friend who is racist, do you invite them to a party where there are going to be people that they are going to blatantly judge? I don't think so. This is what I stand on.
I've thought, and have joked with a friend, about starting a completely different facebook page. One where I could allow everyone that wanted to be "friends" and I wouldn't have to look at it..lol
But really what would be the point. I wouldn't want to be a friend on that page, nor could I imagine that anyone else would if they knew.
Anywho, I am not sure where to go with this thought, other than it is one that I am pondering.
I feel like I have some things that I need to deal with. Because it just doesn't feel very right to respond this way.
Whether it is right or wrong, it is the choice that I am currently making.
I feel like throwing up.
I am thinking about the fact that it is supposed to be somewhere for family and friends to keep in touch.
It has been great meeting up with people I haven't seen for quite a few years and it has been nice meeting new friends through similar interests. It has been nice to be able to keep up with distant family members with our fast paced life in today's society.
Here's the thing though...
It is taboo to unfriend people, it is taboo to deny people. How can you tell people no that you don't want to be their friend? And the hilarious thing is, it isn't even about being their friend. But it is taken so personal when someone is denied as a friend or unfriended.
And it can feel so cruel.
Everything in me wants to allow anyone who wants to be my friend on facebook that "friend" status.
But really? What is up with the guilt trip?
Why so much pressure? And anger behind all of it?
There are certain parts of me that I don't feel like explaining to people that knew me prior to where I am now. I don't want to guard my thoughts either though. I want to surround myself with those who are accepting of me with where I am at. I want to be surrounded by people that if they don't agree, it passes under their radar. But why do I have such an issue with it. And what I mean is this...If I grow tired of reading someones posts that I really feel it eating at me, I will choose to unfriend them. It is like a trigger finger. How can I want one thing and not give back the same thing, just because someone isn't in the mindset that I am in. Why does it stir up so much anger?
I don't want to read about people putting down there children, I don't want to read over religious comments that only sounds like they're trying to convince themselves of what they say. It physically makes me sick.
I find it easier to remove what I see than to get wound up about it.
I suppose if I don't want to go in a certain direction that I don't surround myself with it.
I don't want to talk down to my children and act as if I am the POWER over them. I want to have a healthy relationship with them. To me, this means not reading posts on a daily basis about how people are going to show their children who is boss and all of their friends are chiming in and telling the parents how to "punish" the said child. I makes me sick.
So I choose not to look at it.
On the other hand, I am not interested in over zealous spewing of religious verbiage.
Really? Why?
I just don't get it. It may not be for me to get but I am concerned with associating myself with it. Not Christianity. I'll claim that.
The the religious bullshit that I want to distance myself from. I don't think it attracts people to Christ, so I would rather be away from it. Posting about Gay marriage? Really? Does that draw people to Christ? Really? Sin is sin. I sin, I am a sinner. Why would I want to put out there that I am willing to judge, when I am understanding that it isn't my job. To judge, that is. Sin is sin.
Yet, I feel like I am judging by not surrounding myself with this on facebook.
If you have a friend who is racist, do you invite them to a party where there are going to be people that they are going to blatantly judge? I don't think so. This is what I stand on.
I've thought, and have joked with a friend, about starting a completely different facebook page. One where I could allow everyone that wanted to be "friends" and I wouldn't have to look at it..lol
But really what would be the point. I wouldn't want to be a friend on that page, nor could I imagine that anyone else would if they knew.
Anywho, I am not sure where to go with this thought, other than it is one that I am pondering.
I feel like I have some things that I need to deal with. Because it just doesn't feel very right to respond this way.
Whether it is right or wrong, it is the choice that I am currently making.
I feel like throwing up.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Home is where the heart is...
Well, our house is coming along. We had gotten so much done in the past month, you wouldn't think we still had anything left to do. A few more details to cover and then it will be on the market.
I am currently feeling fine about selling it. I feel like I have worked up to this mental state though. I just can't continue to be attached to something so temporary. I am trying to keep, that family and home are where I make them, at the front of my mind.
Once the house is put on the market and we have a buyer, I can only imagine it will stir up feelings of loss and regret which is only to be expected I guess.
We had 8 amazing years in that home. Good times and bad but overall amazing memories! Just part of our journey..It is the only home that Jasper has ever known. Trying to bring him a sense of home in our current location has been important. I am hoping it will lighten his feelings, that he has had, of a sense of loss. He has already voiced his concerns and heartache.
It has been so nice being in town. I feel like I have fuller, longer days. More time to do the things we want to do. We're not feeling rushed to get things done or not starting things for fear of not being able to finish or continue in projects or games.
It is like there was a sense of constant disruption of life and who wants to live like that.
I am, so much more, enjoying the flow that we are finding at our current location!
Stella's 12th Bday~
 |
| Reading her musical card from Grandma Judy... |
This past weekend, we celebrated Stella's 12th birthday. She has grown into such an amazing young woman.
Friday, we took her and her friends to go have their nails done. Saturday, family and friends came to our home to celebrate with us. Sunday, we went and did our traditional Mayan birthday meal with Nana and the Taylor family. After Mayan, we went to the mall to do a little shopping.
It was a nice weekend. It was really nice to see family and to hangout with friends!
Her eldest brother commented that he thought it was a really great weekend. If the eldest had a nice time, it must have been a good weekend!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?
I have been thinking these past few weeks about an emptiness that I feel.
I have been digging into the bible, spending quiet time with God and wondering what it is that I feel like I am missing. I am currently reading a book called, "The Sacred Romance" by John Eldridge and some other man. It has been helpful and I am only about 4 chapters in, so I have some anticipation of this book helping me come closer to the answer that I am looking for but am thinking that I may be putting a little bit too much pressure on a book, written by man, to help me find this answer. Though I do, personally, believe that finding others that can relate to that is helpful.
An acquaintance wrote recently, "It is a shame to me that children in our culture live in such a future-based mindset. That Happiness is a goal, rather than a way of life."
It got me thinking about my happiness, about my families happiness.
I was just thinking to myself today, where is my happiness. If happiness = joy, then where am I finding my joy? Yes, the most common answer coming out of the mouths of Christians is that we are to find our joy in the Lord. I get that. I find joy in having a relationship with him. But just as one would have joy in their relationship with their spouse, that isn't the only joy that one is capable of feeling or experiencing.
So I was thinking about what I do. What do I do? This has been the question that I have been asking myself for months. It is what I keep writing about in my journal, mostly on the days that I am feeling that heavy heartedness. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?
And...
I believe that it is the question that I truly need to ask myself.
I, at this very moment, have realized that it isn't something that I need to figure out but something that I need to do.
I was looking at it all wrong, from the wrong perspective.
Not what am I supposed to be doing (cause I don't know) but what am I supposed to be doing (what do I find joy in doing)!
What is it that I find joy in doing?
That is what I am supposed to be doing!
I see God in everything around me, every day.
What I am supposed to be doing, what is calling my heart, is that I need to be doing what I enjoy doing and that it will bring a fountain of joy. A fountain that will flow naturally. That will flow in a genuine, unforced way out of me.
If I do what brings me joy then I believe that it is what I am feeling is missing.
It is the missing puzzle piece.
I can do whatever it is that I want to do.
What is it in me, that has caused me to feel like there was a wall keeping me from this?
Free flowing love, focusing on the things that I find joy in.
Inviting my children to join in with me in my joys and seeing God in the greatness that surrounds every aspect of it.
God I hope this feeling lasts. If I am wrong, if my realization is wrong, I will be the first to admit it.
I recently shared a dream with a friend. I had a very strong feeling about the interpretation that I felt I had gotten from it. My understanding. But I am realizing now, that is something that I am seeing incorrectly. My friend had a differing interpretation. And last night at our bible study, one of the ladies commented that we think we are supposed to get on the freeway and that God is actually trying to redirect us, and is saying, "No child. You may think that is the way and it may feel right, but this is actually the way." In my dream I kept thinking that I was supposed to get on the freeway and kept trying to get onto the on ramp, trying so hard. I just kept missing it. Over and over I tried. I just felt like it is where I was supposed to be. I really feel like with the word that was given last night, something just resonated in me. Saying...Your friend was right. You want to believe that it was the right path but darling, I will keep guiding you and keep by your side, and will be here. Yes, I will be right here until the day you see, it isn't the way. Follow me, sit back and just follow me. It's not the path you think you know. Let me lead you. My husband commented that the path that I was trying to get on was a wide one. That the path that my vehicle kept going in was a very narrow one. I kept seeing the narrow one as a dead end.
Chew that up and spit that back out.
I know I feel like I just did.
So here I am. God is good. It is good. He even said it himself. He called it good.
So my husband is home and I did not want to lose my train of thought but I also feel like I didn't give him the welcome home greeting that is truly in my heart. So, I am out of here.
I have been digging into the bible, spending quiet time with God and wondering what it is that I feel like I am missing. I am currently reading a book called, "The Sacred Romance" by John Eldridge and some other man. It has been helpful and I am only about 4 chapters in, so I have some anticipation of this book helping me come closer to the answer that I am looking for but am thinking that I may be putting a little bit too much pressure on a book, written by man, to help me find this answer. Though I do, personally, believe that finding others that can relate to that is helpful.
An acquaintance wrote recently, "It is a shame to me that children in our culture live in such a future-based mindset. That Happiness is a goal, rather than a way of life."
It got me thinking about my happiness, about my families happiness.
I was just thinking to myself today, where is my happiness. If happiness = joy, then where am I finding my joy? Yes, the most common answer coming out of the mouths of Christians is that we are to find our joy in the Lord. I get that. I find joy in having a relationship with him. But just as one would have joy in their relationship with their spouse, that isn't the only joy that one is capable of feeling or experiencing.
So I was thinking about what I do. What do I do? This has been the question that I have been asking myself for months. It is what I keep writing about in my journal, mostly on the days that I am feeling that heavy heartedness. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?
And...
I believe that it is the question that I truly need to ask myself.
I, at this very moment, have realized that it isn't something that I need to figure out but something that I need to do.
I was looking at it all wrong, from the wrong perspective.
Not what am I supposed to be doing (cause I don't know) but what am I supposed to be doing (what do I find joy in doing)!
What is it that I find joy in doing?
That is what I am supposed to be doing!
I see God in everything around me, every day.
What I am supposed to be doing, what is calling my heart, is that I need to be doing what I enjoy doing and that it will bring a fountain of joy. A fountain that will flow naturally. That will flow in a genuine, unforced way out of me.
If I do what brings me joy then I believe that it is what I am feeling is missing.
It is the missing puzzle piece.
I can do whatever it is that I want to do.
What is it in me, that has caused me to feel like there was a wall keeping me from this?
Free flowing love, focusing on the things that I find joy in.
Inviting my children to join in with me in my joys and seeing God in the greatness that surrounds every aspect of it.
God I hope this feeling lasts. If I am wrong, if my realization is wrong, I will be the first to admit it.
I recently shared a dream with a friend. I had a very strong feeling about the interpretation that I felt I had gotten from it. My understanding. But I am realizing now, that is something that I am seeing incorrectly. My friend had a differing interpretation. And last night at our bible study, one of the ladies commented that we think we are supposed to get on the freeway and that God is actually trying to redirect us, and is saying, "No child. You may think that is the way and it may feel right, but this is actually the way." In my dream I kept thinking that I was supposed to get on the freeway and kept trying to get onto the on ramp, trying so hard. I just kept missing it. Over and over I tried. I just felt like it is where I was supposed to be. I really feel like with the word that was given last night, something just resonated in me. Saying...Your friend was right. You want to believe that it was the right path but darling, I will keep guiding you and keep by your side, and will be here. Yes, I will be right here until the day you see, it isn't the way. Follow me, sit back and just follow me. It's not the path you think you know. Let me lead you. My husband commented that the path that I was trying to get on was a wide one. That the path that my vehicle kept going in was a very narrow one. I kept seeing the narrow one as a dead end.
Chew that up and spit that back out.
I know I feel like I just did.
So here I am. God is good. It is good. He even said it himself. He called it good.
So my husband is home and I did not want to lose my train of thought but I also feel like I didn't give him the welcome home greeting that is truly in my heart. So, I am out of here.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Move~
We have officially moved into our new home with our friends. It is really nice being back in town, close to everything and not having to drive a half hour just to get to town and another half hour to get home. Don't get me wrong, the family time and conversation was great it was just time consuming.
This is our second week here and we are still trying to figure out our schedules.
We are an unschooling family that goes with the flow and basically create our own hours.
We have moved in with our amazing friend and his 3 awesome kids. They do public school, private school and run different hours than we do. This move has also created a longer drive for my husband, to work daily. We are still trying to figure out the sleep schedule on that one.
Our 4 cats (3 indoor, 1 outdoor) have transitioned well with their 1 (indoor/outdoor) cat.
We are currently spending the weekends preparing our house for either sale or rental. We aren't quite sure what our plan will be at this point but it sure is nice to feel at home here. I wasn't sure how it was going to look and I don't know that I would have been able to anticipate any of it. I like to get pictures or ideas in my head of the basics of how things are going to flow. With this one thing, I just couldn't. I am not sure why. Probably because there truly is no way that I can describe the flow currently, that there is no way I could have fathomed it prior. *big grin* Definitely comfortable here, just out of my comfort zone of trying to envision and process prior to an act.
I have found that I have more time on my hands to do the things that I like to do, read, take walks, bake... I love to bake and I feel more free to do it here. I feel like I have so much less that I need to do or worry about. Maybe it is because I have less stuff that I feel like I need to declutter or organize or just plain deal with.
We have our basic necessities. Computer, TV, Kitchen Supplies, Bathroom Supplies and Our Clothes. The kids brought some special things along but really not much. It all currently fits in the Master bedroom and closet.
During the day we mostly have the house to ourselves and during the evenings and some afternoons (when school is out) the kids spend time with their friends. This, spending time with friends that they adore and now live with, has brought them a lot of joy!
They are looking forward to the day, hopefully only a month longer, that they are home on the weekends and are able to spend the full weekends with their friends!
On Sunday as we drove down the hill into the town that I, mostly, grew up in...
I felt this sense of joy. I felt so happy. Happy to be back home. Happy to be back in town. Just happy.
This is our second week here and we are still trying to figure out our schedules.
We are an unschooling family that goes with the flow and basically create our own hours.
We have moved in with our amazing friend and his 3 awesome kids. They do public school, private school and run different hours than we do. This move has also created a longer drive for my husband, to work daily. We are still trying to figure out the sleep schedule on that one.
Our 4 cats (3 indoor, 1 outdoor) have transitioned well with their 1 (indoor/outdoor) cat.
We are currently spending the weekends preparing our house for either sale or rental. We aren't quite sure what our plan will be at this point but it sure is nice to feel at home here. I wasn't sure how it was going to look and I don't know that I would have been able to anticipate any of it. I like to get pictures or ideas in my head of the basics of how things are going to flow. With this one thing, I just couldn't. I am not sure why. Probably because there truly is no way that I can describe the flow currently, that there is no way I could have fathomed it prior. *big grin* Definitely comfortable here, just out of my comfort zone of trying to envision and process prior to an act.
I have found that I have more time on my hands to do the things that I like to do, read, take walks, bake... I love to bake and I feel more free to do it here. I feel like I have so much less that I need to do or worry about. Maybe it is because I have less stuff that I feel like I need to declutter or organize or just plain deal with.
We have our basic necessities. Computer, TV, Kitchen Supplies, Bathroom Supplies and Our Clothes. The kids brought some special things along but really not much. It all currently fits in the Master bedroom and closet.
During the day we mostly have the house to ourselves and during the evenings and some afternoons (when school is out) the kids spend time with their friends. This, spending time with friends that they adore and now live with, has brought them a lot of joy!
They are looking forward to the day, hopefully only a month longer, that they are home on the weekends and are able to spend the full weekends with their friends!
On Sunday as we drove down the hill into the town that I, mostly, grew up in...
I felt this sense of joy. I felt so happy. Happy to be back home. Happy to be back in town. Just happy.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Symphony~
A couple of months back, Duncan was talking about his desire to learn the violin. He had been listening to some music from a show called Naruto that he really enjoys. We discussed renting a violin while he starts up his lessons and that if he really enjoys it, then we will purchase him his own violin. Since then, his desires to play the violin had faded and he came to the conclusion that he would like to learn to play the drums. This is great, as his friend owns a set and we spend quite a lot of time there.
A revelation...
Last Monday his Uncle Michael treated him to a symphony performance in Portland, OR. Duncan had never been to a symphony before and was really excited to go! He ended up spending 4 days and 3 nights with his uncle and aunt and was full of energy when he arrived home on Thursday evening.
He had pictures to share that he had taken of the concert hall. He was just in awe at the amazing pillars and decor all over the walls. Duncan shared how amazing the symphony was and that he had decided to reconsider playing the violin. This makes my heart really happy as he has such a love of music and anything that he puts his mind to and is whole hearted in, he has such amazing success. I love music and this boys love surpasses mine, to my own amazement. *big grin* I truly enjoy that we are able to discuss music as well as be silly with it, making videos and playing the song game in the car. (The song game, consists of flipping channels in the car and being the first to guess who the artist or band is, first.) I enjoy talking with him about lead singer voice recognition, lead guitar and drums. We discuss the sounds that different bands seem to bring into each of their songs, while continuing to be creative in their song writing and composure.
Music is something that Duncan naturally excels at. He has been playing the acoustic guitar for a couple of years and has been playing the piano for just over a year. In his Youth group, they have shown him how to play the bass. Duncan took guitar lessons for 3 months, for a half hour on Sundays from another Youth kid at our church. He has excelled on his passion as well as from the workshops that they provide for the musicians at our church. His piano lessons have been given by a truly sweet and wonderful local homeschooling mother of two. She is so wonderful and has such an amazing heart and love to teach.
So to conclude, I am excited to see what these next few months will find as we search out a violin and a local teacher.
A revelation...
Last Monday his Uncle Michael treated him to a symphony performance in Portland, OR. Duncan had never been to a symphony before and was really excited to go! He ended up spending 4 days and 3 nights with his uncle and aunt and was full of energy when he arrived home on Thursday evening.
He had pictures to share that he had taken of the concert hall. He was just in awe at the amazing pillars and decor all over the walls. Duncan shared how amazing the symphony was and that he had decided to reconsider playing the violin. This makes my heart really happy as he has such a love of music and anything that he puts his mind to and is whole hearted in, he has such amazing success. I love music and this boys love surpasses mine, to my own amazement. *big grin* I truly enjoy that we are able to discuss music as well as be silly with it, making videos and playing the song game in the car. (The song game, consists of flipping channels in the car and being the first to guess who the artist or band is, first.) I enjoy talking with him about lead singer voice recognition, lead guitar and drums. We discuss the sounds that different bands seem to bring into each of their songs, while continuing to be creative in their song writing and composure.
Music is something that Duncan naturally excels at. He has been playing the acoustic guitar for a couple of years and has been playing the piano for just over a year. In his Youth group, they have shown him how to play the bass. Duncan took guitar lessons for 3 months, for a half hour on Sundays from another Youth kid at our church. He has excelled on his passion as well as from the workshops that they provide for the musicians at our church. His piano lessons have been given by a truly sweet and wonderful local homeschooling mother of two. She is so wonderful and has such an amazing heart and love to teach.
So to conclude, I am excited to see what these next few months will find as we search out a violin and a local teacher.
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